Grab a cup of tea and a blanket and know that I am holding immense gratitude for you as you journey with me into some long winded life story vulnerability.
*Disclaimer*- these writings contain my perspective on birth trauma and the treatment of women in our society. Details of the dark side of our hospital system as a nurse and mentions of school bullying and alcoholism.
Starting a business that sparked from my deepest passion has lead me down curvy, steep and narrow roads to meet the most authentic parts of myself….
(picture my mom took of me at age 17 in the Colorado great sand dunes national park)
Growing up as the oldest of four girls with a gentle powerhouse single mom in a small Colorado valley town was beautiful, challenging and privileged in so many ways. I have the most vivid memories of my childhood after my parents divorced when I was 8 years old. I have warm memories of time spent with my Grandma at her peaceful country home, helping her make fudge and harvest veggies from the garden, sitting on the back screen porch drinking limeade from her looney tunes collectable glass cups. Safe and free memories of days spent with my mom, while she worked hard on our land so she could stay home and nourish us.
I have really heavy memories of time spent with my dad every other weekend, holding myself together and taking responsibility for my siblings’ emotional safety as my dad walked the road of alcohol addiction.
One of the darkest times of all was a few years spent in middle school being torn down daily by a handful of girls in a world of their own pain and hatred. It was so dark that I lost myself completely and disconnected from my feelings and my body. I was a walking shell of dimmed light, begging not to be seen or noticed for at least 18 more years of my life. If I had to choose a superpower at age 12 I would have chosen invisibility in a split second.
After running and skipping my way out of high school without a single college application and only plans to travel, I embraced independence, rode the eurail around Europe alone and felt my way into my 20s. I bought my first house, fell in love with a woman, explored my bisexuality and started nursing school. This education path was a grasping effort to find my way into womanhood and validation in patriarchy before I dove into the only thing I ever wanted….motherhood. I was always mesmerized by the miracles of the female human body design and loved science the most in school. This seemed like a good path to fit in and earn decent money as a woman.
But nursing school was the absolute worst. It was a scary indoctrination into the western medical system. My whole being resisted the further suppression of women and human health in a VERY sick society. There wasn’t even a glimmer of hope or healing. There was only, take care of sick people while making them more sick with toxic drugs so the the system can take their money until the day they die, and even after they die. But I was only there on the path to becoming a midwife or at the least, get a job in labor and delivery, because surely there was hope and life in the miracle of birth and motherhood. I sucked it up, kept my distance, stayed in the background and graduated with a BSN in 2014.
I was almost embarrassed at my naivety and optimism for working in the hospital birth scene. Women were mocked that came in with a “birth plan” or request for no epidural. Women can’t birth their own babies, why the hell would they ever think that was a safe or natural thing to do? Birth is scary, and life threatening, women are weak and need a hero to assist them in every step of the process. A human female body has no clue what to do and a doctor needs to be there to inform them and make sure they don’t harm their baby.
The hospital system exists in the vortex of broken, sick, and needing saving. Birth in a hospital isn’t treated any differently. Pregnant mothers were made to feel scared and confused about making decisions about their body, doubting their ability to birth at all let alone in their power. Being high on fentanyl, so they could control her every move while they birthed her drugged baby for her, was the absolute safest, easiest way to slide into motherhood unnoticed. As long as the baby is alive and the mom feels smaller than ever and isn’t dead, everything is dandy and the conveyor belt can keep moving. These nurses in this system are beautiful humans caught in the trap of serving and bowing down to the fear system at the expense of self value, care and autonomy. Anything to be a “good” girl in this world and not question the man. I could not continue to participate and feed the dysfunction. I now value these experiences and the veil that was lifted so I could see the truth and find my path. Deep gratitude.
More later on the power of women during birth and the impact of medicalized birth around the world…after I continue processing my birth stories and trauma.
My passion for midwifery and birth faded after my short hospital career experiences and the birth of my son. I saw birth through the lens of trauma and power over women. I was still in the trenches of reliving my ways of survival by staying small, unnoticed and without a voice.
I wasn’t even called to start noticing myself until after I had two beautiful children and was on the brink of divorce myself. It was feminine rage, self resentment and dark motherhood burn-out that pushed me over the edge. It was my violent first birth, as I was sucked into motherhood as a woman incapable of making decisions about her body and her baby, and untrusted by a culture of white men telling women how their bodies work and don’t work. It was taking care of everyone else but myself and still feeling inadequate and lonely.
How the hell did I end up 30 years old without a single shred of self love? I had been trying so hard for so long to not be seen, heard or noticed, to avoid any more pain or hurt. I shoved my massively bright, kind and loving light as deep down as it would go. I even spent time and energy trying to cover the cracks when it would try to shine through in warm safe moments. My spirit was finally ready though. I NEEDED to be seen and witnessed by myself. I kept getting daily downloads from the ethers and this earth of the true worthiness of women and mothers. How we are so good at covering up our light, staying small, keeping quiet and following orders. While our souls are begging to be in community circles with other women dancing and howling at the moon naked. But holding the greatest creative power captive only works for so long. I was so angry at the reality of this and so freaking ready to unleash my wild feminine. Because it was definitely in there.
After my divorce, I navigated finding myself, learning self compassion and self care, slowly seeing and falling in love with the mother and woman I was and wanted to be, finding my soul mate and learning to feel safe being fully seen by someone that loves me, learning and communicating my needs, feeling safe experiencing scary emotions and beginning to work through the trauma that kept me hiding.
All of this while balancing the daily workings of being a multidimensional sensitive human. Slow and steady was and is my mode of self love and uncovering all parts of myself.
This earth has held me, guided me, held a match for me to light up and nourished my soul in ways I never thought possible. I fell hard into the medicinal plant world and my passion unravelled in an inevitable way. I felt so safe with the plants, so seen and authentically invited to step into my power in my own time. I wanted to nurture my deep desire to share simple, healing earth medicine with women and families. I helped my family and myself heal during so many sicknesses just by learning and gathering the plants nearby. The green world wants us to thrive and feel good in our bodies.
The beautiful truth about the power of women is the wide spectrum of expression. From loud, fierce and unapologetic, to gentle, persistent and grounded, all forms can move mountains and unleash creative birth and healing. My gentle and graceful unraveling is slowly gaining traction and leading me out into the world. Some days it feels so natural to hide and the plants always connect me back to the web of life and humanness.
The earth is our greatest mother and knows the power women hold and the divine timing needing for balance restoration. The earth birthed the energy of human women and we get to birth our creative energies and wisdom everyday. If we listen to this planet and her motherly guidance for healing and reconnection, we will witness and participate in an epic consciousness shift. A soft and easy one.
All of these reflections to voice my excitement for the future of this planet and the plant path. How I arrived here in this plane of expression is wildly tender and full of color and wisdom. And I hope by sharing parts of myself you will be inspired to share parts of you. The world needs your authenticity and vulnerability now, we all do. I am honored to find you and reach you in this space. Healing feels good and full of ease and I know so many of us are more than ready. Healing not because we are broken but because our entire life journeys lead us step by intentional step to an everyday existence that feels alive and free. Where our wounds are honored for soul lessons so the pain can fade and align with the push to share our creative gifts. We can now see the reason we are here at this specific time in these magic bodies. I trust you and honor you. Thank you.
Anna
My wife Ashley and I after our first ghost pipe find on our honeymoon